January 30, 2009

Hi Friends,
Well, I made the leap and changed the name of the blog. You will still be able to view the past posts and get to the site the same way but I felt I needed to take this next step. My trip to Phoenix for the AZ. reception for Karen and Mark was wonderful. Although it wasn't warm to them at 65, it felt good to me coming from Chicago. Now I am in the process of trying to gather tax info, which was always Joe's job, and do all the errands necessary to get ready to go to Bonaire again next Tuesday. Lucky will come with me this time and he is spending some time in his traveling bag to get ready. He loves it when he see it come out. We took video of scattering Joe's ashes and it is linked.

I am doing well. I went to a couple grief sessions at Wellness house this past month and will check out other options when I return from Bonaire. But the one thing the facilitator said will stick with me. Where I am is OK and try to live in the moment and not worry about next week or next month. Our daughter Cassie said the same thing. Everywhere I go I run into people who knew Joe. Today I was at the hardware store, one of Joe's favorite places and the checkout girl said, "You are Joe's wife, he was such a great guy". It reminded me that Joe always stopped to talk to the sales people and made them feel special. I miss him a lot but my life is still really busy sorting through things and getting paperwork in order. We had lots of friends who have been very supportive to me and I know we will remain friends.

I will write from Bonaire but probably not as often. Unless of course you want to hear about all the fish I will see diving - boring for those who don't' dive but that is the focus of the day usually. Lucky and I will go for long walks on the beach road and we will both get needed exercise. He gained a half pound (up to 7.5) and I'm not telling how much I gained in the last three months. I am definitely a stress eater.

Enough meanderings - love to all of you and God Bless you in this winter season. Mary Anne

January 20,2009

Hi my dear friends,
It has been along time since I have written on the blog. My kids have been helping out in between and I love the pictures Michael added from the scattering of the ashes. I came home from Bonaire with a chest infection that is clearing up now. In a day or so I will be going to Arizona for Karen and Mark's Arizona wedding reception. I think the reality of the fact that Joe is not coming back is beginning to sink in. It has been a month now, a span of time widows and kids can count each day because it is never forgotten. I miss Joe terribly. I miss being able to tell him the little things that aren't important enough to call someone about but just thoughts to pass along to someone you live with. I missed telling him the things I saw on the dives in Bonaire. I miss rolling over in bed and finding it empty.

I went to my first grief support group at Wellness House today and met someone who attended something that Joe and I attended together in August. It was a good place to start to sort things out.

I will shortly close this website or rename it as it is no longer about Joe and his cancer . It will still be available to read but just won't be as active. Thank you all for being on this journey with us. Your cards and notes have been wonderful and Joe would be happy to know he touched so many lives. Some of you gave cash contributions to the family and I took these to our church in Bonaire who are trying to build a church. Joe was active in helping them while we were down there and actually started a small group down there which is still going strong. The other donations went to Joliet Hospice and our church, Community Christian Church which meets at Carillon where we live.

As I watched our new President get sworn in today, I thought of all the changes that have taken place in our lifetimes. I know all of you, my friends, will have to go through this in some way and I hope to be there to support you as you have supported me. Thanks you and God bless you. Mary Anne

I have been reading e-mails and having phone calls with my Mom and sister Cassie from Bonaire over the past week and it sounds like a great trip. These moments captured here show when friends, Augusto, Wendy and T.C. took Cassie, Kirk and Mom out on a boat to spread Dad's ashes in front of my parents winter home at Buddy Dive in Bonaire. They also spread some at a few of my Dad's favorite dive sites. It doesn't get much better for a final resting place I guess. Dad would have preferred a cloudless blue sky but I am sure the temperature was nice. Reality is I bet he would not have wanted them fussing about him but I know he appreciates the gesture. He was very comfortable talking about these types of things before and after he knew he had cancer. They all took a turn spreading the ashes and then they saved some for a little ceremony back in Plainfield. I guess they are running into some people who had not heard, but for the most part people have kept up through the blog. When I got the e-mail from Mom with these pictures in it, I teared up for the first time in a couple weeks. It felt good. Makes it real that I miss Dad. I also missed him on New Years Eve when I called and woke my mother at 10:30 p.m. central time to wish them Happy New Year and realized I could not ask to talk to Dad. I wished him separately.

Bonaire Bound

I have talked with Cassie and Mom and they arrived safely to Bonaire by Tues/Wed of this week. But not without incident. Kirk got his video camera stolen by the baggage handlers. How frustrating. Hopefully there will be compensation from American Eagle for this issue. Note to travelers, do not separate your self from your camera or video camera or I-Pod during travel at all costs. This was a situation where they had to put their hand luggage into the baggage area since it was a small commuter plane. Dad's ashes traveled along with mom and will reach their final resting place at the bottom of the ocean along Bonaire's incredible coral reefs and diverse aquatic sealife that Dad so enjoyed. His photos will be with us forever. So far it sounds like it is not been so emotional being back in Bonaire without Dad, but those moments surely will come. I watched the Patrick Swayze interview last night and I guess I am so out of touch and certainly don't read the gossip celebrity magazines (rags) that I did not know he had Pancreatic Cancer. While he did not look great, I was so impressed by his relationship with his wife of 33 years and his committment to living life as best he can. His movie "Ghost" seems so appropo and the clips they showed were moving. I wanted to share this blog with he and his wife so that they both can see that what they are inevitabley going to face at some point can be a beautiful and celebratory process and not some terrible death march. I do sense that they are both making the most of their situation.

Happy New Year to all.

January 2, 2009

Hi Friends,
Well Christmas is over, the kids came over and helped me take down the tree and decorations and the house is back in somewhat order. I am going to Bonaire on Tuesday with our oldest daughter Cassdie and her husband Kirk for a week. The first time there will be the hardest but we know there are already dive friends there and lots of island people that are our friends. I have been busy with paperwork sending people death notices etc. and family is calling all the time to see how I am. I don't think it has sunk in yet that Joe is gone forever but the house sure seems empty with just Lucky and me. Trying to adjust to the word widow is even hard. Joe and I loved to play hand and foot and tonight I played with Cas and Kirk and their son and that was fun.

I decided not to write a Christmas letter this year. Everyone who has been reading the blog knows what has been going on in our life so it would be redundant but we had a great year and had many blessings along the way. Although I still catch myself wanting to tell Joe things or ask him where something is, we didn't leave any important things unsaid. Well... unless you call turning the furnace off tonight thinking I was turning off the humidifier!!!. Cas was all wrapped up in the afghan and said "what is the temp in here anyway?" When I checked, it was 69. Just little things like that. Good for a laugh for sure. Love to you all and take care and God bless. Happy New Year. Mary Anne